evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
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Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
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I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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