We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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