You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
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Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
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Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize