What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
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just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
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the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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