I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
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Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
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You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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