I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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