Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
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We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize