remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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