Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
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You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
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You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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