Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
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In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
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So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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