I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
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Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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