My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize