she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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