the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
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he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
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Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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