they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
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Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
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I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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