It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
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So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
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My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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