scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
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