I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
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