Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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