in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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