this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
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It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
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she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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