im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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