Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
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The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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