im six kinds of drunk right now
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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