remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
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We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
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Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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