you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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