did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He has the fingertips of a God
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