That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
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I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
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