when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize