if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
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That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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