I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
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Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
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He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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