When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
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Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
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It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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