After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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