I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
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I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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