got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize