All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
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My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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