I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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