dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
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And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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