I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
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Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
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Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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