I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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