a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
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God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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