i think my mom watched the whole time
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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