Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize