Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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