our cab driver is having phone sex.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
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Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
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An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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