Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
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Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
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When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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