I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i think my mom watched the whole time
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
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i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
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Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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