I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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