Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize