Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize